It is just one of those things that are hard to put into words. You can’t really make it sound pretty, fancy or put together because really it all seems like one big mess. It is just something that I find hard to write about but I’m going to give it my best shot because I don’t think I’m the only one struggling to put this into words. So I’ll make it simple, I struggle with anxiety and am in the midst of recovering from an eating disorder. There it is, simple yet filled with so much history, denial, tears and at the very same time the begging steps to healing.
I spent most of my teens years battling for my mental health. I struggled with depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. When I was 18 I came to YWAM Maui and here is where I came to know Jesus. I gave my life to Him, laid down my old ways & found true freedom in the way He calls us to live. I had come to know my identity as His daughter, found a passion for discipleship & began to follow as the Lord leads me into places of leadership. It was never an easy journey but compared to what was in the past, I was “sitting pretty”.
I was so hungry to grow spiritually that I began to neglect my physical and emotional health. I would see thought patterns pop up when stress was heavy, and as quickly as they came I surpassed them even faster. It began to eat away at me, emotional and physically (literally) until I was asked by a close friend if I would consider seeing a Christian counselor & it was at this point in which it all began to unravel. I was in slight denial at first, “but I LOVE Jesus”, “I’m just a little stressed.”, “I would like to pray about it.” But when I finally said yes and began to see a counselor I came face to face with my brokenness in a way I hadn’t in years. I couldn’t run from my brokenness, I couldn’t strive to heal my brokenness and I sure as heck could work it away it either. I was left with one option, the best one, to lay at the feet of Jesus and say “I can’t” & “I need you”
It took me a month or two to get to this place because at the root of all my mess is a very big lie that “I can” Mixed with pride and shame I had come to believe that I can do it on my own, I can work for love, I can overcome whatever mountain I faced and so forth. What facing brokenness this deep brought me to, was repentance. Repentance of trying to do it on my own, on my terms, my way. It forced me to stare down the truth that “I can’t” and brought me to my knees (more like fetal position on my living room floor) crying out to the Lord, “God I can’t do this anymore, I NEED YOU” It was in that moment that years of surpassed pain, fear, anxiety, and lies came to the surface and poured out my eyes. I was like a small child, helpless, in desperate need of the Fathers love.
The journey of recovery has been one of the hardest, most tear-filled & painful things I have done. Yet at the same time, it has brought me to depths with Jesus I never knew possible. I still have hard days but In the midst of it all, I am constantly reminded that I am utterly hopeless without Jesus. He is truly all I need and I cannot do it without Him.
I pray through sharing this that it can be a testimony to Gods loving kindness & reach anyone who needs to hear it. If this is something that you are struggling with please know a few things, you are not alone! God truly loves you, is for you and wants to heal you. Also, it is not shameful to seek out help.
With love